Grumpy Joe

( Joe Weston-Webb)

Old Newsletters

              SEE US AT NEWBURY ON 22nd and 23rd October      10/10/2008
STAND NUMBER 265 Ave F

Showman’s Show time again. We’ve cleaned the barbecue, dusted the coffee machine and washed the paper cups, unbunged the ketchup bottles and started to defrost the burgers. For those of you who CAN manage to resist our offer of free drinks, bacon rolls and burgers at the show, with a moan from Grumpy Joe thrown in (Health and Safety, youth of today, petrol prices and Portable Floormakers generally) – this newsletter is for you. We can’t offer discounts off our already amazing prices, so you won’t miss out – although Joe is likely to give away ridiculous prizes if your goldfish beats his at the show. (Bring your own or race one of ours – regular races throughout both days).

SEE THE SEPARATE SHEET FOR OUR NEW PRODUCTS, WHICH WILL BE ON SHOW AT NEWBURY, AND THE LIST OF SPECIALS, ONE OFFS AND BARGAINS – ON SALE NOW, SO  DON’T WAIT FOR THE SHOW AND MISS A BARGAIN.

We are fed up with the inevitable show discount which most companies offer and which always stops most of you ordering anything in the month before the show. Our offer will be a free shoesaver for any order over £250. This will also include sales in the last month, and lasts till the end of October, so order now.

Some of our sale items, shoesavers, smart poo catapults, current and funny old newsletters, stunt pictures and other miscellaneous wacky inventions can all be found on Joe’s web, www.grumpyjoe.co.uk, or serious customers needing the best rental and hospitality equipment at the best prices should visit www.portableflooring.co.uk.

We have provided the best portable flooring, staging, furniture, bars, carpets, trolleys etc to the rental trade for over twenty years. Our prices are unbeatable, and we are committed to providing quality goods which will last for years.

Buy DIRECT from the Inventor and Manufacturer – Beware of Upstarts and Accountants. (Sorry about that – but it sounds better than Beware of Imitations!)

Ring us if you have any questions or need a quote. Our phones are answered 8am to 8pm seven days a week. Call in and see us near junction 24 of the M1 just south of Nottingham if you’re passing – we don’t have smart show rooms, but will show you our products with a coffee and chat always available.

Hope to hear from you soon, or see you at the show

Best regards,

Grumpy Joe Weston-Webb and the team.

...Talking of Health and Safety, they’ve ruined the gluing ladies’ fun – no more sniffing and singing at work, and I’m having to be tested on driving my fork lift truck (I’ve only had fifty odd years practise driving it every day, but I’m being taught by a teenager). In retaliation, I’ve spread a rumour that the yellow dye in high viz jackets can make you impotent; let’s see how many they can get to wear them now. Soon there’ll be so much red tape that British manufacturers will give up and everything will have to come from China.

...I’d like to take the opportunity of a slight lull in the chaos here to thank all those who’ve supported us and bought flooring, tables, stages and chairs and helped us to get back on our feet, back at Redhill Marina and, having just celebrated my seventieth birthday, producing again the floors I invented (Florlok, now called Joe’s parquet, Weblok, now Joe’s boarded floor  and Publok, now Joe’s acrylic dance floor.) We’re also making tons of the new Joe’s acrylic tent floor, which has proved very popular as a cheaper alternative black and white floor which will lay directly onto rough ground. All at the BEST POSSIBLE PRICES. . . .

. . . I have been asked by the glueing ladies, (some of whom are orphans) to write round to all our caring customers to see if there was just something they would buy from us to at least keep the kettle boiling, so to speak. The problem is that they were so busy with the run up to the millenium glueing floors that they got used to the good life, and whether it was caused by the excess of glue fumes or the extra money, most of them are now pregnant and stuck with it. . . .

. . . Seriously, we appear to be the world's largest producer of sectional flooring systems and this is thanks to our kind customers supporting us throughout the years. The company's growth in the past twelve months has been phenomenal; this has caused major recruitment in staff to help in our over stretched complaints department. You may remember that a couple of years ago we introduced deliberate faults in all our product range so that all our customers would keep in touch, ringing in to report that they'd found the fault. This did achieve keeping our satisfied customers in touch with us. We are pleased to announce that it is no longer necessary to put deliberate faults in any more as out 40 strong workforce (some are Italian), are perfectly able to create plenty of faults (some of which are beyond belief), without deliberation. . . .

. . . One of our ex salesman would like to apologise to anyone who was affected or witnessed his headlong tumble down our exhibition unit steps at the recent Showman's Show, when he landed face down in a tray of burger buns. He broke his ankle in two places, but we are able to assure worriers that the accident was not caused by the slippiness of the steps or our new non-slip plastic floor, but seems to have been the result of his drinking the whole contents of the bottle of Scotch which was to have been a prize in the florlok floor laying contest, before going out on the town in the evening, and then saving us the cost of his breakfast by just having port or brandies instead. Despite this drama, with new staff we'll be giving the burgers away again at the Showman's Show in October. . . .

. . . We are introducing an 'over 12 rolls in a year 5% discount scheme'. To take part, all you have to do is phone us straight away and tell us you would like free membership of the 'Crapet Club' - (name courtesy of our insomniac dyslexic agnostic secretary who lies awake in bed wondering if there really is a dog). . . .

. . . On the theory that people get bored reading this tripe and never get this far down a newsletter, I now offer to post you a £1 coin and our current catalogue on receipt of your phone call requesting it. . . .

. . . Following numerous requests from our two regular readers, here is yet another stupid Newsletter containing what we hope are various items of interest, so don't bin it untill you have read it.
We have gone back to a mail shot rather than a faxed shot for two reasons. One is that our Postman is going through a hard time at present and needs the work, his wife has run off with the Milkman, and our dog has worried his leg, and secondly the last fax shot did upset somebody to such and extent that he reported us to B.T. who asked us to remove him from our list. This we did, but out ever alert vigilant staff could easily put him back on, causing more wrath. So to solve this problem we contacted B.T. and had his fax number disconnected. . . .

. . . Our Newsletters in the past have tried to keep you up to date with the company's progress and the various ways that growth has been achieved. There was the sacking of the Italian labour and going on to mains electricity (amazing difference), the putting of battens under our floors to achieve a sprung affect (less strain on mammary glands). . . . Then there was the "Flooring was Boring" campaign which was pretty useless, and then we invented "Florlok" and it was so good that it warranted being identically copied, using inferior materials and called by our name by two XXXX's from Knutsford, (enter our contest by filling in the X's and win a Shoesaver!). . . .

. . . Sorry, back to the present. We are so busy now that we have had to reinstate the Italian labour and get in an extra generator for more power. This has certainly increased production, but with the lay off, the Italians' standard of work seems to have declined with the result that, although we are producing more, most of it seems to be seconds. Good news for the customer but not too impressive for the Bank Manager.
All items are perfectly good for the rental trade and some are already well travelled, having been to America and back. Say no more, nod, nod, wink, wink. . . .

. . . Anyway I am getting bored writing this tripe, and no doubt you are more than bored reading it, and it has stopped raining now, so I am just going to enclose our shambolic booklet, wish you a successful year, and join our staff, some of whom are orphans, sitting round the fax machine for warmth waiting for orders. They send their best regards and hope you are warmer than they are. . . .

. . . . Our Carpet Grabbers have proved a useful handling device for not only handling carpet but also for threatening customers if they are slow in settling your account. . . .